Gather round my soap box Puffins, I got some preachin to do.

Anyone who doesn’t live under a rock has read/heard about the paleo/primal diet. You’ve heard that it is what we are

If you look like this, chances are you have been living under a rock.

engineered to eat, and that it provides abundant nutritional value as compared to the SAD (Standard American Diet). This is all true. However, what a LOT of people haven’t heard is about what Paleo/Primal does to you in terms of identifying allergens and sensitivities that you might have. Sure, if you do enough plugging and chugging on different forums you’ll find some topics about it, but a lot of people really don’t discuss it on a person to person basis.

That’s what we are gonna do today. I’ve been striving to be 100% paleo/primal since the middle of December. Sure, I know that’s not an ample amount of time, and some of you might stop listening right now…I’m cool with that. For those of you who are sticking around for the long haul, I’d like to enlighten you to what I’ve discovered about my own body since I’ve been getting all primal. I’ve also ordered a grass skirt. MGBG has a kilt. I’m one upping him in primalness and going full grass skirt. Since my moobs (man boobs for the less hip crowd) are shrinking, I decided against the coconut bra.

I’m not going to give you a full run down of what Paleo/Primal is…For that  I refer you to here and here. If you like a little humor with your cold hard facts, I direct you to here as well. Now, many of you know that my requirements are different from the typical person in that I’ve undergone gastric bypass, and as such, have had to do a bit more experimenting with diet and what not to find a happy balance and make a happy puff. That is until I disovered, read hopped on the bandwagon to awesome, the paleo lifestyle. I’ve never felt better, healthier, stronger, and the most important, my moobs are shrinking…Double mention means I’m super stoked.

Other than making me feel like an awesome human being, paleo eating has enlightened me to exactly how my body reacts to things that we aren’t really supposed to be eating. Prior to paleo I was a huge dairy whore. We are talking a gallon of milk every couple of days. Cheese on everything, if it didn’t come with cheese, I asked for it. Already had cheese, make it extra. You get the picture. That is, until about a week ago. Dairy is pretty much forbidden on the paleo diet. The Primal blueprint allows for it in those that are not lactose intolerant. I had lowered my dairy intake to just a couple of glugs from a heavy cream jug in my morning cup-o-joe. The other night, made some cabbage wraps with ground beef, avacado, shallot, chives, AND Feta cheese. First wrap down no problem. Second wrap, down with a few belches. By the time I was half way through my third wrap, I was a gassy bloated mess. I began to think maybe the cheese caused it. So I decided to self experiment. Later that night, I had a small glass of whole milk…Within 15 minutes I was bloated, gassy, and dumping like crazy. Turns out, eliminating large amounts of dairy from my diet had made me more aware of my lactose intolerance and had made me feel like crap. Listening to my body, what a novel idea there, I’ve since cut my dairy and am feeling much better for it.


Grains, while I would argue that no one should be eating grains, pizza is delicious and sometimes you just want to eat something delicious even if it’s bad for you. We got a pizza a few nights ago. I’d staunchly been avoiding grains like the plague and I knew the havoc that they might potentially cause to my system. On the other hand, that pizza smelled awesome and I was weak. Halfway through one slice, I felt an unfamiliar pang in my stomach, and I was belching up a storm. I immediately knew that the gluten was wreaking havoc. I felt like a deer caught in the headlights. I knew it was a

Yah, that's the look I had after a slice of pizza.

bad idea to be on that road, but I thought just this once…Then bam the big Gluten 18-wheeler plowed my ass. Luckily for me, the 18-wheeler isn’t real, and a simple change is all it takes to make the bad feeling go away. So now, I know, with utter certainty, that grains are bad and I won’t be partaking in them. I like to think of them as the big red button that you aren’t ever supposed to push. Why is that button so tempting? Because we don’t know what will happen when we push it. Sure it could be awesome like the red button in the Men In Black car. Or it could be completely terrible and launch our entire nuclear arsenal into the sun. So it’s probably just best to not push it ok? Leave the red button to the experts. We haven’t had an expert in the office since, oh I don’t know, Washington, so chances are the red button won’t be pushed by one in the near future either.

Best if pressed by 12-21-2012

Perhaps this 2012 end of the world scare is really just the date underneath the button. It probably says something along the lines of  “Best if pushed by 12-21-2012” or some such nonsense.

So let’s recap. Going paleo/primal, while probably the best thing for your health since, Oh I don’t know, beginning of modern medicine, will do a few things for you. Most importantly it gets rid of Moobs. It’s an absolute moob destroyer. Secondly, it will increase your health and happiness and make you an awesome human being. Thirdly, it will highlight any unknown food allergies that may have existed but you were too blinded to really see. I think you’d be surprised what you can and can’t eat after going paleo. I know I was.



Until next time,


  1. […] time to stop. To read about my first plan of attack on the Moob epidemic click this pretty link here. In that same post I also challenged MGBG’s man cred by one upping his kilt with my own grass […]

  2. […] things from my diet at once. Dairy will probably be the most difficult, but as I’ve mentioned before, I already think I might have a slight case of lactose intolerance, so that may not prove to be […]

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